The Whereabouts of Elvis Presley
by oneleggedbirdie
Summary: Join me as I search for the most elusive creature on earth: ELVIS!


Is Elvis trapped under the floorboards of your home? Perhaps he's living on a small island in the Caribbean. Or maybe, just maybe, he's Michael Jackson's pillow buddy.  Many Elvis followers believe this, and many other theories regarding the whereabouts of Elvis Presley, to be true.  The average person, a.k.a the non-believers, will tell you that Elvis Presley is long gone, dead as a doorknob.  But his faithful followers keep his spirit alive by spreading the good word: Elvis is still living on this planet; he's just hiding because he's very wrinkly. 

Since his supposed "death" in 1977, Elvis Presley has been sighted in numerous places including Turkmenistan, Antarctica, the Parthenon, and the Sahara Desert.  Many tourists have reported to have seen him at roadside attractions and county fairs.  Are they really gazing at the king of rock and roll or do their eyes deceive them?  I contacted historian Dr. Primply, the leading expert on the whereabouts of Elvis. He refused to expose any of his secrets and he spit on my pet squirrel.  I became quite pissed and told him straight in the face that he was a pompous hippo fart.  He proceeded to shake his fist and yell, "You'll get yours!" I got really scared and ran away, but continued my investigation.  Anyway, while I was doing some research, I discovered that Elvis was last sighted at the Hollywood Wax Museum.  One of my sources, whose identity will remain concealed for security reasons, informed me that Elvis has a fetish for wax. Every week, he goes into the museum and starts rubbing the heads of the wax figures. I visited the museum to check this out for myself and it turned out "the king of rock and roll" was your ordinary, run of the mill Elvis impersonator. I was a little discouraged and decided to quit, but I remembered that I was doing all this work for a speech and I wasn't allowed to quit.  So I hopped back onto the internet and looked for more information. 

During my search, I bumped into a site containing a list of police reports filed because of Elvis disruptions in various communities.  His elusive and thieving nature has caused a major uproar in America.  Many women, between the ages of 50 and 85, have come to the police stating that the king of rock and roll was eating their food, drinking their alcohol, and munching on their precious medication.  Elvis impersonators have complained that a mysterious look-alike has been stealing their hair gel and rhinestone sunglasses.  I felt terrible for the victims of these crimes and decided I would serve them a slice of justice pie.  I heard Elvis was hanging around the Pasadena area so I set up Elvis traps everywhere I thought he might go.  Two weeks later, I caught a strange man in an Elvis suit and turned him into the police.  It wasn't the real Elvis, just a starving actor. Although I didn't catch the real Elvis, I felt that I had done my part to stop these crimes.  So I returned to my computer in hopes that I would find the true Elvis Presley.

Instead of finding the location of the real Elvis as opposed to another stinkin' impersonator, I found a conspiracy site dedicated to the king himself.  They had the age-old tale about the aliens taking him up to their mother ship.  It said that the aliens loved Elvis so much they had to have him.  So they stole him from his bed and laid him in a glass tube full of lime jello.  When they got to their home planet, they crowned Elvis king and fed him till he weighed exactly 300 lbs.  After the feeding, they returned him to earth where he died a horrible death.  This story is completely preposterous because everyone knows that aliens don't have glass tubes full of lime jello; they have sarcophaguses full of cream of mushroom soup.  But I think the best conspiracy theory I read was the idea of Elvis selling his soul to Ruth Handler, the creator of Barbie dolls.  Since Elvis was a young lad, he loved Barbies.  In fact, he worshipped the doll.  Rumor has it that he kept a Barbie shrine in his closet and everyday he would pray and sing songs to it.  As time passed by and as Elvis became more famous, his time with his Barbies had decreased.  While he was singing and dancing, his Barbies were in his closet collecting dust.  He went through a deep depression because of his lack of communication with his precious dolls.  To fill the void in his glamorous but Barbieless life, he asked Ruth Handler to make him a doll. But not just any doll, a doll that looked exactly like him, an Elvis doll.  At first, Handler refused to do this, not even for a lifetime supply of pantyhose.  But after she thought of what she could earn, she decided to do it.  Elvis was frightened about what she might want; everyone knew that Handler was a bona fide nutcase.  So when she asked him for his soul, he was a little taken back.  Did he love his Barbies so much that he would sell his soul? Yes, yes he did.  He sold his soul to Handler hoping that he would become the proud owner of an Elvis doll.  Little did he know that Handler was going to put his soul into the doll.  She thought she was going to get away with it but she made the mistake of putting his soul into the prototype.  Unfortunately, the prototype exploded in the factory and at the same time, Elvis exploded onstage during his concert in Memphis.  I thought this conspiracy might be true but I asked someone who went the concert and they said that nothing like that ever happened. I was getting even more discouraged but I still needed to know if Elvis was out there. I needed solid evidence.

I came across another site that had several reasons for Elvis' disappearance.  Some seemed quite absurd but I had to read them, I had to know.  The first reason I read appeared reasonable; Elvis had a bad history with drugs and alcohol.  According to his maid, every morning she found him passed out on the floor with foam coming out of his mouth.  She found several syringes and many empty bottles of hard liquor.  His doctor stated that he popped speed like candy and he loved mixing alcohol with sedatives.  After being threatened by his manager to go to rehabilitation, he ran to Canada and made a living singing in numerous karaoke bars. You'd think the Canadians would reconginze him but they didn't.   Another reason for his disappearance was the fact that he was highly insecure.  People say he's alive and well, he's just afraid of what everyone might think of him.  According to Lisa Marie Presley's cousin's friend's neighbor, Elvis is rather tubby and suffering from old age.  His legs have also been chopped off due to a tragic visit to the optometrist.  This seems highly suspicious considering the optometrist inspects your eyes, not your legs.  

Well, I decided to end my quest because I was quite tired.  I was so sick of reading Elvis conspiracies, setting up traps, visiting museums and getting nothing out of it.  Although, I did learn some life lessons: don't trust Elvis impersonators, Elvis historians aren't real historians, and Elvis traps only catch hungry actors.  I suppose the only real conclusion I can make is that Elvis has yet to be found. Although, I don't think I'm going to be the one to look for him.  Perhaps that's why he hasn't been found, because of people like me.  We give up too easily.  We lose hope just because we run into a couple of dead ends.  Oh well, I'll let some other poor soul look for the stinker.  


End file.
